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slivers of me imaginary friends i am more than this my special, special space Previous Previous Next Next
sandrock meets pascal
verbose melodramatic metanarrative
just had a lovely dinner of raw fish with orpheusrabbit
perhaps one of the very few times we've gotten
to converse one on one, and i am grateful for the
opportunity. death and the problems associated
with perceived fiscal responsibility were two
of the lighter topics ;-)

now just quietly pitter-patting at my keyboard,
Caffeine closed, dark and machine-hummy
waiting for the Huntsville Contigent to
come steal him away for the holidays.
3 cents or put your 2 cents in
nothing sloughs off years of accumulated guilt
like shopping for, buying, boxing up and shipping
presents for my family all on the same day.

first time in years.
usually i just buy a few things,
feel like i should spend more,
get a few more things (because
i still feel guilty for shafting
them last year), then never get
around to getting those extras
and wind up not mailing them
anything. and the things that
i already bought just accumulate
guilt and dust over the course
of the year. ugh.

but not this year.
it feels so freeing.

thank you, frenchpress, my sweet lovely,
for providing packing materials and helping me box them up.

thank you, pendulous, for covering me at work
while i waited in a (mercifully short) line at the posty.

subconscious undercurrent: accomplished accomplished

7 cents or put your 2 cents in
listening to Rufus *plink* and *plunk*
his way through songs this afternoon
perched on a stool behind the
concrete counter, staring off
into the dusky afternoon's descent

and inwardly so very still, so very

slow sinking into melancholy
as the light leaves the day

it is winter
it is winter
mirrored
into me
and out

Tags: ,
subconscious undercurrent: contemplative winter
soundtrack: rufus wainwright - in a graveyard

5 cents or put your 2 cents in
this post on frenchpress' journal spawned a very interesting thread/discussion.
worth your time.

i am privileged, gifted, to be a part of this process of growth and healing for her.
to be a daily part of her life. she is so strong, so brave, and i love her so dearly.



tonight, on the cusp of her departure from nashville, i had the pleasure of introducing maehymn to the gustatory delights of waffle house, a southern phenomenon she had somehow escaped until now.

we ate waffles, drank coffee, and conversed on a delightful variety of subjects, and it is partially at her prompting that i append the following - a fragment of a larger fragment i wrote some time ago.
it's rough, not all that linear and some things are just standalone thoughts, and a bit dated(in reference to where i am today - for instance, i've spoken with my father again), but perhaps submitting it to the dialogic magic of lj will breathe some new life into it.



storytelling to reveal|storytelling to obscureCollapse )
3 cents or put your 2 cents in
i cooked my first whole thanksgiving meal today.

tofurky with carrots & potatoes
stuffing & gravy
apple dumplings
sweet potatoes with pecans
green bean casserole

frenchpress & comfortadore helped me eat all of it.
especially comfortadore - he's one of the most satisfying people to cook for, because he so clearly enjoys eating and gets seconds and thirds.

it felt . . . complete somehow. delightful & satisfying.
like an adult rite of passage i didn't know about.

like i'd accomplished something.


and i'm thankful for that.
6 cents or put your 2 cents in
so i just spoke with my dad for the first time in four and a half years.


i don't know quite how to feel.


just thought i'd acknowledge it somewhere.
6 cents or put your 2 cents in
last night, as i shuffled my way warily through the wet grass homeward, i heard another shuffling near me, and looked up to see . . .

about ten feet away from me.

as i looked up, he looked up, and we both turned and ran.
or i walked very quickly, and he gallumphed in grand skunk fashion.

mr. stinky, my friend from afar.
why can't we be closer?

Tags:
subconscious undercurrent: stinky
soundtrack: something boring emo-y

3 cents or put your 2 cents in
frenchpress's counselor told her the other day that our society has been inoculated against Jesus.
that is to say, that Christianity is so commonplace, so mainstream, so paraphrased and clichéd and bumper-stickered and neutered that it has become unremarkable and tame. or at least, that's what i inferred and interpreted from the statement ;-)

it's why i have a difficult time identifying myself with the term Christian, because if i describe myself to someone as such, they've seen the televangelists, they remember the church person who condemned them, and they hear the squeaky wheels of the church at large that don't represent my views, my beliefs, my desires. saying i'm a Christian leaves no questions to be asked.

calling myself a disciple of Jesus, a Christ-follower, or "just a fucked-up guy trying to follow Jesus" might be as cheesy in some ways, but still i occasionally get some conversation out of it.

when we were at Short Mountain Sanctuary for Beltane this year, i couldn't help but think that were it not for Constantine's vision and the subsequent rise of Christianity from persecuted underground spiritual community to state-sanctioned/enforced religion, it would be Jesus people hiding out in the woods while the stolid, upstanding citizens went to the temple to offer sacrifices to the gods.

i kind of wish that it was that way.

not that there aren't Jesus people doing some different things, and places like the virtual cafe document some of the alternative ways church is taking place.

but on the whole, the term "Christian" invokes a whole lot of negative feelings and actions and statements that i can't and don't want to defend.
at the same time, these other people love Jesus as well, and are family in that regard, as embarrassing as it occasionally is.
like your obnoxious Uncle Lenny grabbing the waitress' ass at the family reunion, and you're trying to explain, "we're not all like that"

i just don't want to make summation statements about myself, i suppose. i want dialogue, not monologue.
and i feel like so much of what the Bible talks about, and particularly what Jesus says, is countercultural, is radical and strange.
take this passage for an example.
if i was really doing all those things, that would be different, so different than the norm of the culture that surrounds us.
or from the norm that lives down the street. you know, that creepy guy.

and i want to read these verses again, and hear what people heard when these things hadn't been spoken before, and interpreted, paraphrased and dissected ad nauseum.

for it to be fresh and new again. for me, for the people i talk to.

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9 cents or put your 2 cents in
as they say, we've been "trying to figure out the church thing" for a good six months now - myself, frenchpress, pendulous, and a few other peopleses.
feeling a bit jaded, cynical, distantly hopeful.
like quite a few of you, i suspect.

all of us had difficulty feeling like we fit anywhere in the churches we were attending. we were part of cell groups, young adult groups, went to services, classes, did all the stuff that people do when they're trying to "plug in", as the lingo goes.

but still, Sunday mornings, it was standing alone in a crowd, mouthing the words to songs that others were dancing to, raising their hands to, heavily emoting to.
not feeling it.

trying to meet up with pastors that are good people but who couldn't make time for us. reintroducing ourselves to people over again, "no, we're both out of college."

for Christ's sake, we're supposed to be a body, and we felt like some cousin to the appendix that showed up late to the party.

and thinking that there has to be more to this than this. something more connected, more organic, more bound up together.
so we stopped going to Sunday stuff completely. cold turkey.Collapse )

Tags: ,
subconscious undercurrent: contemplative contemplative
soundtrack: 28 Days Later

18 cents or put your 2 cents in
last night, i rocked the mic karaoke-style at a - as our friend Breanna would say - very "red" bar - the Basement.
frenchpress and pendulous picked out a song for me.

"If I Were A Rich Man"

Tovol, can ya hear me?!
5 cents or put your 2 cents in